Christmas at Bay Tree Cottage Page 19

  ‘It wasn’t just kindness—’

  ‘I’m glad, because I needed you here.’ Suddenly she lays her head on my shoulder, her body pressed against my back. Her words are merely a whisper, warm and comforting. ‘I didn’t want anyone else, I wanted you.’

  I close my eyes. Stop there. Don’t say another word, let me have my moment before it’s spoilt and you go on to say, ‘Thank you, Luke, now you can go’.

  ‘I meant what I said. I like having you around,’ she adds.

  This time her words give me a sense of real hope and as I turn into her, she melts into me. Before I can even think about it her lips are on mine and her body presses into me. Her mouth is soft, her kiss gentle and I have to restrain myself, as I want to lift her up in my arms and carry her upstairs. My heart is beating so fast I’m sure she can hear it and that old, familiar sense of desire begins to build. But this is different. Normally I’m in control, but with Elana I just want to lose myself in her. I force myself to draw back and slow it down. As I pull away she looks at me questioningly.

  ‘Did I misread the signs?’ She sounds hesitant, fearful.

  ‘No.’ I clear my throat, in an attempt to calm myself down. I want her more than I’ve ever wanted any woman before. But if this is just lust on my part and a knee-jerk reaction on hers, then it’s not just wrong, it’s disastrous. ‘I mean, I’m just surprised. I don’t think you’re in the right place at the moment, Elana, and I’m not sure I can control my feelings for you.’

  She smiles, colour finally coming back into her cheeks.

  ‘That’s all I needed to know. I’m in exactly the right place and I think you are, too.’

  Chapter 42

  Luke

  Feeling Alive

  When Niall’s parents bring Maya home shortly after lunch, I greet them at the door. Maya steps over the threshold first, seemingly unsurprised to see me.

  ‘Hi Luke, the snow’s all gone and I didn’t get to build a snowman! Where’s Mum?’

  ‘Hi Maya, your mum is in the kitchen baking you some cookies.’ She scoots past me, as I smile awkwardly at Carol and Philip.

  ‘Come in, don’t mind me. Elana’s hands are covered in flour. I’m here doing some painting.’ It sounds lame, but they take it in their stride and don’t seem at all upset to see me here. I make myself scarce, heading off to the room beyond the utility to measure up the floor. When I return to the kitchen Elana and Maya are alone, laughing and chattering away as they lift the cookies onto a wire rack to cool.

  ‘I don’t think Maya needs any more sugar,’ Elana smiles at me over her shoulder, pulling me into the conversation. ‘Seems she had a great time and was thoroughly spoilt.’

  ‘Hmm, those cookies look good.’

  ‘Shall we let Luke have one, Maya? What do you think?’

  Maya laughs, the carefree sound of a child’s happiness filling the air and Elana and I exchange glances. It’s time for me to go so they can have their chat.

  ‘I’d love to take one with me, if you can wrap it up. I need to get back to work.’

  Maya makes a little parcel, wrapping two cookies up in some kitchen towel. ‘There you go, Luke. In case you get hungry later.’

  Elana sees me to the door and all I want to do is pull her to me and kiss her again and again and again. I can see that she feels the same. She puts out her hand to fleetingly touch my shoulder. She trails her fingers down my arm. For a brief second she entwines her fingers around my own and there is a look in her eyes I have never seen before.

  ‘Come back soon,’ she whispers and I nod, then turn and walk away.

  ***

  What just happened? This is crazy. Think, Luke, think. Elana isn’t some young woman shopping around for a partner. She’s a widow with a daughter, trying to sort out her life and what can you offer her? You’re a mess and your life is a mess. You can’t support her because you have nothing except a load of bills and a ton of responsibility that isn’t going to disappear overnight. As I walk up to the car, I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone to turn it back on. There are over a dozen texts from Lisa. I groan.

  ‘Hi, Luke.’ Rick walks past me carrying two suitcases.

  This is incredibly awkward. I don’t want him to think that Elana has been talking to me about his accusation, so I feign ignorance.

  ‘Off on another trip to London?’

  He shrugs.

  ‘Might be a long one this time. You still working inside Bay Tree?’

  ‘Finishing up now, just a couple of small jobs left to tidy.’

  He opens his car door. ‘Is Elana alright.’

  The fact that he’s trying to get information out of me isn’t good. He’s no doubt feeling guilty for the trouble he and Eve have caused Elana.

  ‘She’s just come back from her grandparents’ house. They’re both home.’

  ‘Good. Well, see you in January. Eve’s looking forward to having the conservatory installed.’

  I nod, then jump into the pick-up, deciding it’s best to pull away and park up somewhere quiet to phone Lisa. Finding an empty lay-by I press return call before I can think of a reason not to do it.

  ‘Hi, it’s me. I’m really sorry. I wouldn’t just stand you up like that, but I had to deal with an emergency.’

  I blurt it out before she has a chance to get a word in. I can tell from the texts how upset she is about my no-show.

  ‘You know, guys who are unreliable are a liability and I don’t have time for that. But I also feel you shouldn’t be let off the hook. You can’t treat people like this, Luke, and I thought you were better than that.’

  Ouch! But I deserve it.

  ‘Look, a friend had a bit of a meltdown. We were up most of the night and I’m only just able to walk away now.’

  ‘And you couldn’t even stop to text me, to save me hanging around looking like a total fool? It was embarrassing, Luke. I like you, but I won’t be messed around.’

  This isn’t going to be easy, but I can’t explain because it would mean betraying a trust. Or do I mean acknowledging my feelings? Either way, I can’t start anything with Lisa after everything that’s happened in the last twenty-four hours.

  ‘Look, Lisa, I’ve tried to be straight with you from the start, so I hope you can see that I never intended for this to happen. What it has done is made me realise that the timing isn’t right for me to think about dating again. That’s why I was being cautious in the first place, to be honest. I have too many problems to juggle and until everything is sorted out I can’t make any plans. You’re a lovely lady who deserves more than I can give at the moment. I’m being pulled in too many directions and struggling to get the balance right. You deserve much more than that.’

  A sigh drifts down the line.

  ‘I feel sorry for you, Luke. If you get yourself sorted, give me a call. I’ll tell Cheryl to back off. It’s a pity, I will admit. You’re an interesting guy and I think we had some sort of connection.’

  I feel like a heel. I can hear how disappointed she is and I hate the thought that I’ve hurt her, as that was never my intention.

  ‘Life is all about timing. At the moment I’m a bit of a walking disaster, I’m afraid. Best avoided.’ I laugh, hoping to lighten the moment.

  ‘You’re funny, Luke. Most people get depressed when they’re going through tough times.’

  ‘I’ve learnt that every time you fall you have to bounce right back up again.’

  ‘Well, keep bouncing and ring me any time. I enjoy talking to you, even if you have turned out to be a bit of a let-down.’

  In a way I wish she’d simply gone into ranting mode and put the phone down on me. That’s what I’m used to, as it never takes much to send Anita into a rage. The fact that Lisa was so understanding and mature about it impresses me. Not that I’m used to giving women bad news, but I bet that’s not a common reaction.

  Anyway, it’s all true. I am in a mess and now I have a new problem. Elana isn’t in love with me, but I’m in love w
ith her. I’m a quick fix, something to heal her broken heart and divert her attention from the pain. But I know I can never be the man in her life, because she’s way out of my league. I’m going to get my heart broken and yet I can’t help myself. When she kissed me I knew it was for all the wrong reasons, but knowing that doesn’t make any difference.

  ***

  When I walk into the office Dad immediately picks up a clip board, acknowledging me as he walks past to leave me alone with Mum.

  ‘Long night?’ Mum’s eyes scan my face searching for clues.

  I sit down next to her desk, suddenly feeling very tired and a little deflated.

  ‘Is it Mrs James at Bay Tree Cottage?’

  I nod. ‘Her name is Elana. How did you know?’

  ‘Every time anyone called her “the widow lady” it annoyed you. I could see it on your face. I’ve never known you not to come into work for personal reasons, so I put two and two together. Am I right?’

  There’s no reason to deny it and no point in trying to lie. Mum knows me only too well.

  ‘It’s complicated.’

  ‘Relationships always are, my son. Is this a shared problem, or are you just being supportive?’

  It’s a leading question and we both know it.

  ‘Elana has had a tough time, on top of which she has a six-year-old daughter, who claims to speak to her deceased daddy. Then she received some bad news and it was all a little too much. She’s a strong lady, Mum, but there’s only so much anyone going through a grieving process can take. I feel bad for her and when I received the call I had to go.’

  Mum lays her hand on my forearm, which is resting on the desk. The warmth is comforting and reminds me of my boyhood, the way she’d comfort me whenever anything went wrong.

  ‘Does she know you have feelings for her?’

  Her eyes search mine and I know what she’s thinking. She doesn’t want to see me get hurt again.

  ‘I don’t think she’s in a place where she can see anything very clearly at the moment. I’m happy to be there for her whenever she needs me, no strings attached.’

  Mum sighs and sits back in her chair, looking weary. I hate the fact that she worries about me so much, but she’ll worry more if I keep things back.

  ‘You know the risk you are taking? Everything passes with time, even the pain of losing a partner. Being a crutch is all well and good, but when feelings are involved that’s a warning sign, Luke. A relationship has to be a two-way thing, or it isn’t a relationship. How will you feel if you let her into your heart and then suddenly she moves on with her life? You’re worried about her, but I’m worried about you.’

  ‘I’m not repeating an old mistake, Ma, honestly. Elana is nothing like Anita.’

  Mum gives a tired, jaded little laugh.

  ‘You are two people who are each going through emotionally painful times; that alone will serve to give you a sense of connection. But what else do you have in common, because once the healing begins what will there be left to cling on to?’

  ‘Ma, I know what I’m doing. I’m no longer that naive young guy. Being needed, useful, is making me feel good about myself again. Anita ground me down so low I felt worthless. I know this can’t go anywhere, but it’s what I need at the moment. I feel like a decent human being again, instead of someone only capable of causing their mother to worry herself into an early grave. So stop worrying about me, Ma, until there’s something to worry about.’

  ‘If you say so, my son. Just, please, don’t go falling headlong into this without sparing a thought for yourself. How are you going to feel when Elana begins to pick up the threads of a normal life again, if she doesn’t choose to do that with you? You aren’t a taker, Luke, and there are times when that isn’t a good thing.’

  Here endeth the lesson and I know Mum has seen through my reassurances. She doesn’t know Elana, but her instincts are good enough to set alarm bells ringing. The truth is, I can’t help myself and whatever price I end up paying is irrelevant. For the first time in so long I feel alive and it’s a feeling that is every bit as euphoric as a drug.

  Chapter 43

  Elana

  A Head Full of Worries

  It’s all lies. It must be. Rick needs an excuse to walk away from Eve and Amelie, and he’s desperate to find something to ease his conscience. Niall was a thoughtful and caring man, so I’m not surprised to learn that he comforted Eve if she broke down in front of him. Was she jealous that our relationship was so strong, when her own marriage was beginning to fall apart? I believe that Eve was trying to make Rick jealous and Niall was the man she used to do it. She obviously knew Rick was there and about to walk in on them, so she kissed Niall. Why is it suddenly so important to Rick now, when Niall isn’t here to tell his side of the story? Their relationship has continued to deteriorate and I suspect Rick has had enough. He’s using Niall, and maybe even Luke, as his excuse to walk away from his family – how can he do that?

  My head aches from constantly going over and over those final months with Niall, trying to find a hint that he wasn’t satisfied with me. But nothing was different about him, only the stress from working long hours, either at work or on the cottage. If anything had been wrong he simply wouldn’t have been so committed; you can’t fake things like that. We were both doing everything possible to make our future easier and to turn this into a wonderful family home. I feel bitter that Rick and Eve are selfish enough to drag us into their misery. Why would they do that, now, of all times?

  Maya saunters down the stairs.

  ‘Mum, can you please ask Luke if we can light the fire now. Please, Mum, please?’

  It’s hard to switch from one train of thought to another, but I can’t put this off any longer.

  ‘Let’s go into the sitting room, darling, we need to have a chat.’

  Maya skips through ahead of me, flopping down into her favourite bean bag. She’s all legs and arms, and as if it’s a total surprise, I realise just how much she’s grown in this last year.

  ‘I’ll ask Luke about the fire, I promise, but don’t get your hopes up. Why is it so important, Maya?’

  Her little face puckers up as she considers her answer.

  ‘You know that book, the one you read to me last year? It said that you throw your letters on the fire and when the smoke goes up the chimney that’s how Santa gets your messages. It’s too late to send them by post now and I’m worried, Mum. What if he doesn’t get them?’

  ‘Oh, darling. If there’s anything you want Santa to know then you only have to tell me and I’ll make sure it’s delivered in time.’

  Maya shakes her head.

  ‘No, Mum. Then it wouldn’t be a surprise for you, either.’

  This is awkward because I can’t let her know I’ve read the letters she’s been writing, or that I’m also aware of Amelie’s sad request.

  ‘Do you know what I’d really like, much more than any surprise?’

  She sits forward, her face now relaxed and smiling.

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’d like to talk about Daddy. Would you like to do that?’

  Her forehead wrinkles and I can see she is torn.

  ‘But I don’t want to make you sad, Mum, and it always does.’

  ‘Oh my darling, I love talking about Daddy and of course it’s going to make us sad, because we miss him. But there’s nothing wrong with feeling sad as long as it’s not all the time. Daddy wants us to be happy, and we also have lots of wonderful memories to make us smile, don’t we?’

  Maya rocks back and forth, her arms cradled around her legs.

  ‘Yes. He said that he’s never far away and he’s watching over us.’

  My heart beat increases and a lump rises in my throat. That’s almost word-for-word one of the lines from a children’s book on dealing with bereavement that we read shortly after Niall died.

  ‘Even though Daddy is in heaven he will always love us, Maya. I often dream about Daddy, and I expect you do, too. All those lov
ely memories we have of Daddy get replayed in our heads. A bit like watching a DVD. It’s a very special thing. But Daddy can’t really be here with us any more. He’s simply in our hearts and in our memories.’

  The frown is back.

  ‘But he lies down next to me on the bed and we talk, Mum.’

  I go and sit next to her on the floor so I’m at the same level, taking one of her little hands in mine.

  ‘That’s lovely, darling. But Daddy isn’t actually there, you’re simply dreaming.’

  She withdraws her hand, looking at me with a shocked expression on her face.

  ‘No, Mum, you’re wrong. Daddy talks to me about school and you.’

  I sigh. She’s a child with a very vivid imagination and that’s not something I want to curb, but how do you explain the difference between fact and fantasy to a six-year-old?

  ‘When we fall asleep our heads are full of everything that has happened during the day, so it all gets jumbled up with old memories. That’s why in dreams we often find ourselves doing something we’ve never done before, or having conversations that have never actually taken place. It feels like it’s real, but it’s not. That’s fine, darling, but we have to remember there is a difference between a dream and real life.’

  ‘But I’m not asleep when Daddy is here. You don’t understand, Mum. I wish he’d visit you too, then you’d know for sure.’

  She’s getting frustrated and I wonder if maybe this is something that will pass in time, like all phases children go through.

  ‘Does it make you happy?’

  Her eyes open wide and a broad smile sweeps over her face. ‘Oh, yes, Mummy. But I do wish you could see him, too. I told Daddy that.’

  ‘Maya, you know that you can always talk to me about anything, don’t you? I will ask Luke about the fire, but Santa is very busy making sure all the right presents go to the right homes. So if you want to talk about anything else, anything at all, that’s why I’m always here for you. Do you understand?’